Clear

How do I start this blurg? For the first time yet I really don't want to write this, but to just be silent, and to be still. But some things you can't be silent about and sometimes your own personal mental clarity hangs in the balance. Tonight's Institute lesson was on gifts of the Spirit. A tangent to this being some verses in Doctrine and Covenants 50 and 52 that brought life some more perspective.D&C 52:16-17"16 He that speaketh, whose spirit is contrite, whose language is meek and edifieth, the same is of God if he obey mine ordinances.17 And again, he that trembleth under my power shall be made astrong, and shall bring forth fruits of praise and wisdom, according to the revelations and truths which I have given you."Linked toD&C 50:22-23" 22 Wherefore, he that preacheth and he that receiveth, understand one another, and both are edified and rejoice together.23 And that which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness.24 That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day."Finished off withD&C 50:17-20"17 Verily I say unto you, he that is ordained of me and sent forth to preach the word of truth by the Comforter, in the Spirit of truth, doth he preach it by the Spirit of truth or some other way?18 And if it be by some other way it is not of God.19 And again, he that receiveth the word of truth, doth he receive it by the Spirit of truth or some other way?20 If it be some other way it is not of God."My friends from the IHOP conversation were upset that I said that our conversation brought me more darkness. If it's not edifying, it's something else. I didn't understand what they were talking about, and when they saw that I was upset and they asked, I didn't want to tell them. In my case that was a combination of a natural reaction to unasked-for criticism, and embarrassment at the words used, and then I went on the defensive, shutting down. I take criticism badly, and I will openly admit it. I'm trying to get better, but it's hard, especially when I already know that some things are wrong. In this case, I didn't, but ... when I felt I should brace myself before they told me their thoughts, I didn't.They asked what was wrong, and from what they'd said before to me (the criticism) I didn't want to tell them/ thought it would all blow over. I guess it's really obvious that it didn't. So much for my thinking that problem simply go away if given time and not face-evaluation.I don't actually like saying all this. It's not like I _want_ to hurt them. I reacted very badly at first, and I am sorry for that. Strange as it may seem, though, my reaction, "Learning," turned into something I never expected. I got reactions from people that almost never tell me their thoughts concerning the blog, and through those I got a lot of support. I guess more people think like me than I considered before. My father's reaction and a friend of mine from the mission startled me the most. Thank you both for your support. Hopefully that doesn't make me sound too much like one of the recent candidates. I'm not trying to get elected to anything, just to be me and be okay with it.Otherwise, one thing I don't know whether or not to address, and if it gets me into more "hot water," so be it. During the fight on Sunday, one of the friends mentioned that she "loved diversity" possibly meaning my difference in opinion on most topics. I hope this doesn't sound too non-PC or something along those lines, but I love unity. I love unity of purpose, of hopes and considerations, of future goals, of true and pure pursuits. I love exchange of ideas, but I love connecting on those ideas. Sure, I'm all in favor of both canned peaches and baskets of peaches as Chieko Okasaki put in a book once. I am all about lava lavas, and understanding where other people come from. I think my friend was trying to understand me the other night, but communication really faltered and didn't exactly happen. One-way comms is one thing, but true communication is when both parties understand the message. I'm not so good at it, either, or else I would have known the right way of saying, "Um, oh my gosh. Wo." I didn't know how to say it to so that it would be understood properly so thus "Learning" took place.What else have I to say? Plenty, as everyone knows by now. But not right now. And I hope, no more on this topic. I still have to get through a massive paper before the night is over. This is purely for the sake of concentration.Life is a series of learning experiences, some of which are fun, and some that make you grow.Growing,Amanda